


Golden

by 1mreallyupset



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past and Present, flashbacks of 2010
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24435577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1mreallyupset/pseuds/1mreallyupset
Summary: I stand at the edge of the world, glimmering lights in the distance, the sound of the fountain by the pool kept me in a trance. I stare at the sea of traffic below, three years here and it still blew my mind that this city certainly never slept. The cool wind keeps me from completely falling asleep, something I’d learned to do back in the days of the band. Those shows were no joke, it’s no wonder we eventually gave into the sweet sound of “hiatus”. One hit album, one in the making and three houses later I wonder if it was all worth it, the fame is nice, the platform a plus and I loved being able to support my mum and Gemma, them not having to worry about where their next meal would come from did make it all worth while.The loneliness is what got me. Having a band was great, but not really the same as what I had.“You should be celebrating.”I’m dreaming. Have to be.“The album drops in five minutes, Haz.”Maybe I’m not, I turn around.Louis. Probably the last person I’d expect to see tonight.
Kudos: 5





	1. Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

**Author's Note:**

> Authors Note: OK so this is my version of their life I know that sounds crazy but it's just how I picture things happening behind closed doors it's how I see the relationship whether it's real or not — I don't really know if their relationship is real, I know what I see so there's that but this is just my version of how I think things would be if they were together given what we see daily what what we see on social media. What they do in their music these days just a little tiny bits and pieces of their fucking life that just are way too crazy to be coincidences. This is in no way saying that anything like this ever took place or happened. This is just me being angsty and wanting to write about two artists that I really love. I’ve been there since X Factor I was there for all the girlfriends I was there for Freddy I was there for Louis’ mom passing and his sister passing. I’ve listened to their new albums I've been there through it all and this is just how I picture their life if they were together. So that's all I'm gonna say and yes when this fic flashes back to 2016, 2017, 2018 — this is not me attacking Louis this is just how I would picture their relationship at their ages, he seemed more in control of everything that the felt while it was pretty obvious that Harry was lusting after him and I get it because he was younger and Louis was older you know it just makes sense so this is definitely more of a fic from Harry’s point of view. It also means that Louis does a bunch of shitty stuff without meaning to and their relationship is extremely toxic (due to them having to hide most of it) because they are so young they don't really know any better but this is just how I see it again for the 15th time and I just want to write so I did and this is what happened. :)

Golden

I stand at the edge of the world, glimmering lights in the distance, the sound of the fountain by the pool kept me in a trance. I stare at the sea of traffic below, three years here and it still blew my mind that this city certainly never slept. The cool wind keeps me from completely falling asleep, something I’d learned to do back in the days of the band. Those shows were no joke, it’s no wonder we eventually gave into the sweet sound of “hiatus”. One hit album, one in the making and three houses later I wonder if it was all worth it, the fame is nice, the platform a plus and I loved being able to support my mum and Gemma, them not having to worry about where their next meal would come from did make it all worth while. 

The loneliness is what got me. Having a band was great, but not really the same as what I had. 

“You should be celebrating.”

I’m dreaming. Have to be. 

“The album drops in five minutes, Haz.”

Maybe I’m not, I turn around.

Louis. Probably the last person I’d expect to see tonight.

“What— what are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to come see you.” 

My heart stops and my hands begin to sweat, I grip them, frustration seeping through me. After all these years he still had a hold over me and part of me hates it, and part of me loves it.

“You flew—“

“All the way from London? Yeah, it’s a bitch of a flight.” 

“You didn’t have to come all this way.”

“Is that what you want?” 

He reaches out, placing his hand just under my elbow, I back away unsure about how I feel about him touching me.

“Don’t do that,”

“I’m sorry, I just, I thought we were okay.”

“Well you thought wrong,” 

“Haz I—“

“I need to go, I have an album to celebrate.”

“You can’t blame me for what happened,”

“No, I can’t, but I can try and forget it did.”  
“You don’t seriously mean that, Hazza,”

“Stop calling me that, we’re not eighteen anymore, for God’s sakes, grow up, Lou.”

*

The party was a success, everyone had fun, they loved the album, and all seemed well. I make my way down the hall stumbling through the double doors of one of the five suites in the house, one for each of the boys, stupid I know.

“We’ll be a fine li—” 

“It’s a good song.” I turn my head, Louis. 

“I thought I told you to go home.”

“Since when do I ever listen to you, Hazza bear.” 

"Gross." I mutter, he chuckles and stands from the chair in the corner, his brow furrowing, he looks concerned,

“You’re drunk?”

“It’s a party.”

“Right, right, I just, I thought that you weren’t doing that anymore,” I roll my eyes, typical Louis, overprotective.

“One drink won’t kill anyone,”

“You’ve had more than one drink, H.”  
“Buzz off,”   
“Here, let me at least help you to your bed.”  
“I’m fine, really.” 

“Can I just help you? For once?”

“For once.” I mutter, even drunk I know this is wrong, me being angry at him for leaving, me being selfish, wanting the forever he promised. 

“Okay, well I can go,” I know he’s hurt, and I know he’s trying to keep it together because all though he’s stronger than me know, physically, he’s shaking as he maneuvers me onto the king sized bed. 

“Wait,” I press my face into the silk pillowcase, thankful that Cherie had talked me out of the eyeliner I so “desperately” thought I needed for my big night. Washing it off now would be a bitch. 

“Hmmm?”

“Can I have a cuddle?” 

And I’m too drunk to stop it, too sad to push him off, even though I’m the one who asked for a cuddle. 

I hate myself for it. 

I hate myself for loving him this much.

But I can’t not love him. 

2012

“How much time do we have?”

“Not much, like an hour maybe.” I watch as he flops on the couch, cell phone in hand, he scrolls mindlessly, ignoring the longing look I know I’m sending him.

“Oh.” Is all I say, trying to pretend that the lack of attention he’s showing me doesn’t effect me. 

“Ugh, look at this girl, she’s proper fit isn’t she, just lovely.” He reaches out, showing me a picture of a girl. 

She was very pretty.

“Beautiful.” I mutter, clenching my jaw as I fake a smile, I stand from my spot on the couch, “I think I’m going to go have a nap in Niall’s room.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yeah, ‘m just a bit tired is all,” it’s not a lie, I am tired. 

“You can sleep here, I’ll be quiet.” I bite my lip as I try not to make direct eye contact.

“I… I just, I…”

“You don’t want to be here with me.” 

“I do want to be here with you, Lou, I just, I can’t sa—“ He stands up, tossing his phone to the side, he’s a couple of inches away from me now, his hands sit tight in the pockets of his sweat pants.

“Then stay here with me, take a nap, I’ll be quiet I swear, please, H.” 

And now I feel bad, I don’t want to stay, I want to cry, but I can’t. Not in front of Louis, and now I have to stay, he’d know something was wrong if I left, so I take a deep breath and fake another smile. 

“Okay, okay, fine.” Is all I say, I sit back down on the couch, leaning back so that I’m laying down. I lay my head on the arm of the sofa, closing my eyes as Louis grins widely. 

I swear I’ve been laying here about five minutes when he speaks, 

“I hate that they do this to us.” It comes out soft and quiet, but his hand finds mine, and he squeezes it gently. I debate on whether I should open my eyes or not, only knowing that if I do, I’ll surely cry. 

I keep them closed.

“I just want to be with you, I want to shout from the roof tops, Harry Styles… Harry fucking Edward Styles… is the man that I love.” He squeezes my hand tighter, “I know you’re not asleep, your nose twitches, it’s not twitching.” 

I open my eyes, a tear rolling down my cheek. 

“Don’t… Don’t cry.”

“Louis.”

“I know.” He wipes at my cheek, the look on his face only causing me to cry harder. It wasn’t fair that I was the sensitive one, it felt like I was crying all the time. 

“Why can’t they see…” I can’t even continue with what I want to say, but I know he knows what I mean, I know because we’d had this conversation more than a dozen times. 

“I love you Hazza Bear,” he leans down, kissing my cheek softly. 

“Come ‘ere.” I whisper, reaching out for his body. I wrap my hands around the back of his neck, pulling him on top of me, he rests his head on my shoulder, as he lets out a heavy sigh.

“One day…” he mutters, “one day we’ll be together, in a proper way, Haz, just wait. It’ll happen.” 

I close my eyes, scared to admit that I wasn’t so sure. It was my dream, yes. But my reality? 

That’s where it gets complicated.


	2. Who Am I To Disagree?

||| Past

It was an honest mistake, I mean, really, I never thought it'd amount to what it has now. We both sit in the office of Simon Cowell, our creator. At first, the power he held seemed otherworldly, how lucky were we that he graces us with the gift of fame and fortune. At the moment, it seemed so innocent, so wholesome.

Little did we know, the years to come would be the hardest of our lives.

"Look..." Louis stutters, which only causes me to panic, although I'd only known him a short time, I'd never seen him stutter, the boy was confident, "I don't know what it is we've done wrong, but whatever it is," he looks over at me nervously, "it's my fault."

"Loui—"

Simon's hand stops me from speaking, he looks to Louis.

"Harry," now looking to me, "would you mind stepping out, I think me and Louis need to have a conversation,"

"But what abou—"

"Harry," Louis whispers, it's soft yet stern, "just go." I feel myself begin to shake, a lump forms in my throat and I do as I'm told.

"It'll just be a minute, lad." Simon smiles, and I feel sick to my stomach, I look to Louis, and he gives me a weak smile, I know he's trying to be strong for me, but I can tell he's scared.

I sit in the hallway.

Clenching and unclenching my fists.

It's very clear to me that the "minute" conversation would actually be a bit more than a minute, so I phone Liam.

"Hello?"

"Somethings wrong," is all I can get out before the panic attack ensues. I can hear Liam doing his best on the other end to calm me down, but all I can think about was the look on Louis' face when I'd left the room. The hallway seems to be closing in on me, and I quickly grow very light-headed, luckily, I was already sitting on the ground, legs spread apart, my hand tangled in my hair, my eyes drift from the ceiling to the floor, and back again.

I feel sick.

||| Present

I pop a few pills in my mouth, siping quickly at the flask from my jacket pocket.

"Is everything alright?" I look to where the sound is coming from, it's just Madeline, my favorite assistant, but I'd never tell the others. However, she was exactly the person I didn't want around. I couldn't lie to her, and we both knew it.

"Just not feeling well," which technically wasn't a lie, and she tilts her head to the side, her eyes growing dark.

"Louis left a few minutes ago," I try my best not to react, "I didn't know he was coming," is all she says, and I shrug my shoulders.

"That makes two of us."

"Are," she pauses, and I wish she'd just stop there, but she continues, "are you okay?"

I wouldn't break down today, not over this, not again.

"Define, "okay"," smirking before continuing, "if drinking myself to sleep every night is okay then yes, I'm okay, I'm grand."

"I think he left this for you," she brings up a familiar piece of clothing, my stomach twists into a knot. I take it from her and toss it to the side, "what," she looks confused, and rightly so, "what is it?"

"It's nothing." And she doesn't respond, only nods her head as she disappears into the home office.

Running my hands through my hair is when I realize exactly how far I'd let myself go.

So I shower.

||| Past

I've calmed down a bit, not much, but enough to where I could compose myself. I study the way he breathes and I can tell that he's upset, but he hides it.

"Well?"

"You're still here?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"No, it's just, I was in there a while."

"Yeah, I was worried... Is everything okay?" I reach for his hand, but he pulls away, biting his lip.

No.

"Uh, yeah... Yeah, everything is fine, they just wanted to talk about some things with the band, since I'm the oldest there are things I have to know, you know, adult things."

I don't believe it for a second.

"Like what kind of things?"

"Like, just," he struggles, running his hands through his hair, he looks to the ceiling, "are you hungry? I'm hungry, you reckon we can get something to eat before rehearsal tonight?" I shrug my shoulders,

"Uh, yeah, I guess," a sinking feeling rolls over me, "we can get something to eat," he nods his head eagerly.

"Yeah, okay, yeah, lets."

The ride over is silent, I'm fighting the urge to ask him what the meeting was really about, I had to admit, I was a bit scared to know. I stare out the window for the entirety of the ride, his leg ticking ever so often, his hands sit on the tops of his thighs like normal. Except, we were alone, so it wasn't normal.

When we were alone Louis was affectionate, touchy, clingy even, always touching me, whether it be softly grazing my hand, or squeezing my thigh, and I loved it, so innocent, yet so intentional.

"So, what do you reckon we get then?"

"m not very hungry." It comes out soft, and I try my best not to look him in the eyes.

"What?"

"I'm not hungry, I can't, I don't, I don't eat before rehearsal... get too—"

"Nervous," he remembers sighing deeply, "I'm sorry, Harry, I blanked, I forgot that, well, we don't have to eat, we can just head over, get there a bit early?"

"You're hungry though," I'm sulking, and I can't help it, still avoiding eye contact, "get something to eat, Louis."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Harry,"

Now he's touching me, gently, and now it's my turn to bite my lip.

"It's alright, it's nothing, I promise."

"Harry."

"Louis."

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that you're okay." I take a deep breath and look at him, knowing that this was the only way to get him to believe me.

"See," I stare into his ice-blue eyes, "I'm fine, let's get something to eat."

"Harry," my name from his lips comes out in a whisper, his eyes glisten just a bit. I can see that everything's not okay.

I just wished I would have known how bad it truly would get.


End file.
